|The Guild of Biscuiteers (East Mids Sector) take great pleasure in submitting for your kind consideration our very first review for inclusion on this wonderful site. The biccie in question was supplied by our much travelled IT chap on a recent 'fact finding' mission in Portugal and is, to give it it's full title, the Maria ORO - 'Doraida e com manteiga'. The latter phrase translated into the universal language of biscuits meaning 'Golden and with Butter'. The claim of one G.O.B. member that the biscuit resembles 'an all butter thin without the butter' is backed up with reference to the stated butter (or 'manteiga') content of 0.4% in the list of 'ingredientes' (or 'ingredients'). Again the biscuits lack of identity is emphasisied by the inclusion of hydrogenated and/or refined vegetable fat. Which one is it? I think we should be told.
Crisp and with a slightly burnished rim the Maria ORO cannot be classified as a session bolachas (or 'biscuit'), belonging as it does to the Rich Tea/Arrowroot/Marie (perhaps slightly inbred) side of the family. Very much a 'wannabe' biscuit with style triumphing by an order of magnitude over content, there is an element of European flair to the styling but it remains a biscuit that is, in sporting terms, the equivalent of it's National football team. Crisp, stylish but ultimately a bit of a let down.
Perhaps our disappointment was heightened due to the mis-leading first impressions given by the sunny, breezy Mediterranean styling of the packet, containing as it does a biscuit whose central decorative focal point is the head of a rather regal chap resembling rather disturbingly the lovechild of Napoleon and John Merrick. In a certain light the biscuit could frighten any small child of a sensitive disposition.
Best described as a Rich tea biscuit that has been put into Administration the biscuit is sufficiently arid to drive the user to consider dunking as the only reasonable option. The cross sectional image that accompanies this review should prove sufficient to warn even the staunchest dunker that disaster will ensue if the biscuit is dipped into a nice cup of tea. Or even a slightly average one really. To this end a scientifically controlled experiment was carried out on a small sample of Mario ORO. Seepage occurs in a matter of nanoBourbons and the chance of snappage prior to final placement is far higher than we would reasonably recommend. In short, please do not try this at home.
Perhaps a less pejorative description of the Maria ORO would be that of a 'holiday biscuit' - the romance is there whilst you are sunning yourself on some Mediterranean beach with barely a thong to your name but once you are back in the daily routine the romance and the attraction fades and you are left wondering what you really saw in her/him.. erm.. it.
All in all then, not a biscuit to book yourself on the next plane to Portugal for. Please be aware however that the G.O.B. review has probably been tempered as a result of the swift demolition of a 6 biscuit packet of Fox's Chocolate Creations the day before.
The Guild of Biscuiteers (East Mids Sector)