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Tesco's Finest Soft Eating Orange and Cranberry Cookies

Sunday 17 Aug 2003

Well you might think with a title as long as that there would be little left to say about this week's biscuit of the week, however, I'll have a go. As we mentioned in this months newsletter, Tesco's have been adding some new biscuits to their Finest range. After the recent austerity of the Morning Coffee and Bickiepeg review I thought it was only fair if we pushed the boat out and tried something a bit different. This is fairly much the antithesis of the Bickiepeg being both aimed at adults and designed to be soft to eat.

Now when something gets called a 'Cookie' in the UK we do it with good reason. The reasoning here is that the classic limp and barely cooked sort of texture of the American cookie is being portrayed here. There are various subliminal messages that are carried with this type of cookie texture, such as they were so impatiently awaited that they were removed from the oven as soon as they could have remotely been considered cooked, to be devoured probably whilst still hot. The second and very related one is that the mixture tasted really good raw, so baking is just a way of firming it up so its not so sticky. Those cookie shops in shopping arcades/malls that fill the surrounding air with the smell of baking, by and large knock out some very sickly barely cooked dough in a bag. It is not with out some irony that our local one is right next to the shop that sells clothes for the larger lady, both shops seem happy with that arrangment. The cookie can be made even more sickly by scaling it up to the size of a dinner plate covering it in nasty gak-in-a-bag icing and then presenting it to some poor unfortunate office worker as a birthday surprise.

Luckily Tesco's have seen sense and produced something here that uses the power of Orange and Cranberry to balance out any potentially overly sweet taste. Orange oil, peel and some lemon peel all provide a vivid citrus backdrop against which fairly large pieces of Cranberry are placed plus a few raisins. This provides plenty of interest, enough even to stop you scoffing them down with out a thought. The cookies, all eight of them were all fairly much individuals and again this is usually indicative of a premium product.

To complete the whole alure of the product Tesco's have put a serving suggestion on the pack, which I regret to say I didn't heed. The suggestion is to take six of the cookies and build a small leaning and somewhat out of focus tower, next to which one places three Cranberries and two slices of Orange. Then take the remaining two cookies and break one in half and place the whole lot in the foreground so that they are in focus. Hoorah! for serving suggestions how would we get by without them.

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Brandt Hobbits kernig

Monday 11 Aug 2003

So its off to Deutschland for this weeks biscuit of the week, for two very good reasons. The first being the small stock of German biscuits in the the NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown biscuit bunker, thanks to Tom Winter's fabulous parcel from Hamburg. The second the hilarious German to English translations courtesy of Google. 'Kernig' which I'm sort of assuming is German for 'kernels' is translated to 'main header bits'. Imagine if in the future we all had wearable PCs that translated everything you said into German then back again via Google and then uttered it in a synthetic voice. That could make just buying a packet of Polos and a newspaper as challenging as negotiating the Middle East peace process. And talking of hot places such as the Middle East, Southern England is experiencing its hottest heat wave in recorded history right now, so if I'm rambling a bit blame the heat.

So all that universal translator nonsense in sci-fi shows, you know the one, where people from worlds that have never even met before stand there nattering on about how nice it is to live on their planet, and how they recently had their kitchen redecorated, and how good the local schools are and so on. Rubbish! The French who are our nearest neighbours and from whom large parts of modern English come from have words that have no English translation such as 'Terrior'. What is a universal translator going to do with that! Either it would have to skip those bits, or pass it on untranslated or maybe a take a long sort of stab at it. Either way the conversation would be more 'How long have you had those ____ growing from your head?' / 'How long have you had those gnnnnsshargvvv growing from your head?' / 'How long have you had those things that look like road kill in plastic bags with little flashing lights inside at least from where I'm standing they do, growing out of your head?'. To which the answer is probably 'We have to stand in this special sort of unpleasant smelling mud due to or radically different body chemistry, which is similar but not identical to that purple stuff Windowlene that you can't get any more, but people used to wipe it all over the windows of shops that were closing down'. Yes that would all be quite believable.

So back to the biscuits, well lets just quietly leave to one side the whole Hobbit thing. I'm sure they have their reasons and its not for us to cast judgments on other nations attempts to name biscuits. It must be the heat, of course we should pass judgment on other nations unfortunate biscuit naming. If we don't who else will? Well its got to be a nod to our own great HobNob, and possibly something to do with Tolkien. Either way it has that slightly embarrassing Euro angle that Swedish songsters 'Europe' captured so well in 'The Final Countdown' when they rhymed 'Seen us' with 'Venus'.

Oh yes back to the biscuit. Made in Poland by Bahlsen and if my reading of the French version of the ingredients is correct, mostly oats, wholemeal flour, wheatgerm a bit of oil, sugar, raising agents and flavouring. A little smaller than I would have liked the Hobbit did seem quite familiar rather however is not as sweet as the oat biscuits we have like the HobNob. Unfortunately its the last ingredient that really lets down this little biscuit in my eyes. What could otherwise be a very serviceable euro oat biscuit has a slightly artificial twang of vanilla essence which smothers any legitimate flavours there in. Still there is a glimer of hope here and I suppose one could sort of get by on these if you found yourself in Germany and you had scoffed your supply of proper biscuits.

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Sunday 3 Aug 2003

Well I always claim that my first biscuit was a Custard Cream, but this isn't really true. Before my first birthday I had already developed a taste for baked treats. Sharing a birthday as I do with Lady Sarah (Armstrong-Jones) Chatto, it's interesting to read Bickiepegs claim that they are used in Royal Nurseries. We could have both been chomping away on our repective Bickiepegs just as the swinging sixties started to get going.

So some 38 years on I thought we would get ourselves down to the chemist and sample the delights Bickiepegs again. Well what is a Bickiepeg? It's a teething biscuit designed to stimulate and reward the gnawing of a young child's emerging teeth. They have been making them in Aberdeen,Scotland since 1925, and are recommended by doctors and dentists. Looking like a small beige concrete chip, the Bickiepeg comes complete with a hole at one end for inserting a ribbon. This is then pinned to the baby's clothes. As the younger members of staff were no good to me as test subjects, (they all have splendid sets of gnashers with which they meter out mortal damage to left over review biscuits), I had get in there myself.

The ingredients, all three of them, made short reading, 'Wheatflour, Wheatgerm and Water'. Most people don't bother to mention the water, but Bickiepegs needed something to make up the numbers. The front of the box also advises that they contain no added sugar or salt. Well yes, no added anything.

Picking up the little Bickiepeg I started to think about pre-stressed concrete structures that I admire. I decided to risk it without the ribbon. As you might expect the Bickiepeg tastes wheaty, very very wheaty. Infact I had some wheat last week whilst passing through a wheat field, and was instructing the younger members of staff on the raw ingredients of biscuits. We separated the grains of wheat from the few ears we picked and chewed them up. The Bickiepeg tasted wheatier. Ten minutes later I still had made no significant impression upon the durable little stick. I imagine that if you decided to eat chair legs smeared with flour and water paste you'd get a very similar taste sensation. Fifteen minutes in and I'd managed to achieve a slight taper on the first six to seven millimeters.

I now realise why I took to to Custard Creams in such a big way. Anyhow barring the intended uses of Bickiepegs I can imagine a host of uses for them. As an ever lasting breadstick for dips, or as an aid to giving up smoking try chewing on a Bickiepeg for half an hour. If they could make one that tasted like a digestive then we would have invented a sliming aid for millions.

Twenty five minutes in and I had chewed off the top centimeter. At this point I gave up.